My Ramadan last year was so well planned,
Bouncy was my start, downhearted was the end.
What did I do? Where did I go wrong?
I was sure that my iman was so strong.
Following the flow of the course of events,
Tailing my nafs, grabbing what it presents.
Little did I know, a rival lived within,
Preventing me from good, provoking me to sin.
How was I pleased with the little that I did?
Mercy was descending, but I made myself forbid!
How could I ever do this to myself?
Pushing myself down the chambers of hell?
What had overtaken me all through the way?
I sat and recalled, left with nothing but dismay.
My scattered thoughts trailed like a chain,
Nothing worth availing, all loss and no gain.
Did I ever reflect and ponder on Quran?
Did I comprehend the spirit of Ramadan?
Was it all about how well I could cook?
All I cared about was how my house would look.
Busy pleasing people, arranging a feast,
Did I think to feed the poor, at least?
What would my children wear on this Eid?
I was too worried with the thoughts of greed.
Those last ten nights, what a treasure I lost,
My soul felt anxious, upset and crossed.
Dormant and gloomy my head hung low,
How could I let such a precious chance go?
The list of my sins might be written in a scroll,
I could’ve sought forgiveness and mended my soul.
I might never see it, the thought made me freeze,
I was swept all over with a cold, chilly breeze.
Sweating profusely in a bit of a daze,
My mind wandered off while the soul set ablaze.
I cried like a child that night on my musalla,
Give me next Ramadan, forgive me O’ Allah.
If He grants me this Ramadan, I hope to see,
By His Mercy inshaAllah, a better new me.
This poem was first published on Muslimaat Magazine.